Emoción

Hello. A huge reason I am actually writing right now is because I know the chances of anyone reading this is slim. Yes, I'm putting it on my blog. But this blog also has had 0 views in the past few months. My last post was after my "last" first club talk at RHS in Fall 2012. Crazy. So any type of readership I had attained after London has waned. With just reason. I've been silent this year. Not because I've had nothing to say. In fact, it was the opposite. The emotional roller coaster of senior year and summer after senior year and then (surprise!) the roller coaster I'm experiencing even now all could've been greatly helped, I suppose, if I had processed through writing more. But instead, I did what I do [oh-so-well, I might add] and bottled it up. Then was straight-up with a few friends. Then bottled it up. Then dumped it out. Repeat. Cycle. Repeat. 

It's been four months since graduation. I'm just going to deal with this timeline because I get overwhelmed looking even farther back. This summer was one of exposure. And not in a good way. I haven't really liked a lot of stuff in my heart. In these past few months, my crap has been out to play. My sin has been rampant. It's been both hidden and named. I have been swept up by it many times. Overwhelmed at depravity. Sick of lostness. Tired. Tired. Tired. Doing good all the time. Held up as an "example" and a "leader." But so tired of the cycle. The cycle of the muck in my heart and how it lingers. Like a guest at a party that is roaming around, spreading lies and rumors and all you want is for that person to leave. So you show them to the door. Because they don't belong at the party. But they laugh and keep walking around. Keep spreading death with each conversation, with each look. Sucks the life right out of you.

Emotionally, I am in a weird place. Anything having to do with youth ministry, and I'm fighting back tears. Anything with music and Jesus, and I'm struggling to hold it together. Yet I feel distant from Him. What the heck.

Here's what I know. Jesus loves me. So much. He is with me. He walks to the Metro with me in the morning and rides it into Downtown D.C. He sits at a desk with me from 9am to 5pm and whispers truth as I battle the lies that flood me: "You're not making a difference. These tasks are menial in light of eternity." I am His. I give Him glory and honor and praise in doing my job excellently. I will not waste this year. Comparing friendships, wishing away my job, dreaming of London or YL.....no. I will be present. I will fight for joy. In where He has placed me. 

Random, I know. But honest. Thank you, sweet Jesus, for the cross. May my life be a "thank you."